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Santa forgets...
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When Santa forgets, all hell breaks loose.
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Dear Santa:
I've written you for three years now asking for fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Kenny
Dear Kenny,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fucking fire trucks than you'll know what to
do with.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas. I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get
you some nice Lego's instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and a nice Cuban cigar.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
Jimmy
Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting another sweater.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitress' asses, and losing all my cash at
the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, which explains why your future profession is a hippy/whore, enjoy.
Santa
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Dear Santa
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my f**king mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats
are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more you speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,Francis
Dear Francis,
Who the fuck names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams! Santa
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101 Ways Barney Should Die
1. Nitroglycerin suppository
2. My First (and Last) Dr. Kervorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit
3. Paper cuts from hate mail
4. Wine press
5. Random act of terrorism
6. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
7. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
8. Exploding gas barbecue
9. Date with Lorena Bobbit / Tonya Harding
10. Rusty meat hook
11. Pulp digester / Saw mill
12. Sexually transmitted disease
13. Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu
14. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open)
15. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".
16. Exploding school bus
17. Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo Barney loves to spread love and happiness to all of the carnivores.
18. Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide
19. Sacrifice to a tribal god
20. Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)
21. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongy feet
22. Asphyxiation on a twinkie
23. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck
24. 1000 RPM merry-go-round
25. Building sand castles in a quicksand box
26. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road
27. Tail caught in elevator doors
28. Legalization of purple slavery
29. Home lobotomy kit
30. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid
(e.g. nitric, chromic, hydrofluoric, sulfuric, or hydrochloric)
31. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.
32. Thrown in a vat of bleach.
33. Close encounter with a white supramastoid.
34. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine
35. Submerged into a CANDU reactor
36. Swarmed by killer bees
37. Purple parasites
38. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel
39. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)
40. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.
41. Assilimation by the Borg.
42. Acupuncture with a nail gun
43. Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes.
43. Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw
44. Hit and run at a school crossing
45. Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven.
46. Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!
47. Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry.
48. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens
49. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.
50. Harpooned by a whaling ship
51. Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and "accidentally"
pummelled with a baseball bat (guess they found the glass transition temperature).
52. Served as Thanksgiving dinner
53. Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?)
54. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.
55. Mistaken for a Pinyata
56. Run over by a zamboni
57. "I love you" song triggers avalanche.
58. "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.
59. Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY.
60. Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature.
61. Crushed between plates in a fault line.
62. Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties (would you like McFries with that?)
63. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney?
64. Used as a crash test dummy. Listen up boys and girls. This is what can happen to you if you don't wear your seat belt.
65. Barney becomes one with Oscar Meyer.
66. Barney used as shark bait.
67. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.
68. Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.
69. Diplomatic mission with Klingons
70. Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.
71. Nato air strike.
72. Live organ donor.
73. Egyptian mummification ritual.
74. Plummet into an active volcano.
75. Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.
76. Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.
77. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.
78. Pilgrimage to the Holy land.
79. Purple Jonestown reagent.
80. Visit to the taxidermist.
81. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.
82. Take him off Prozac.
83. Forced to watch "the Wall" video without his happy pills.
84. 100 hours of continuous "Black Sabbath".
85. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.
86. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.
87. Spontaneous combustion.
88. Bludgeoned to purple paste.
89. Compressed to a singularity.
90. Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post.
91. Send him to a Bill's game dressed as a Miami Dolphin.
92. The plague
93. Extruded through microcapilliaries.
94. Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson.
95. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.
96. Salt water enema.
97. Pre-mortem autopsy reveals that Barney's head is full of worms.
98. Massage with a stun gun.
99. Heat pasteurization.
100. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.
101. Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank.
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