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Female Hormones in Beer
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."
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This is the excuse used by all men
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Twins
Two guys are sitting at either end of Kelly's bar late one night when one of them looks up and says to the other, "How's it goin'? You from around here?" The other guy says, "Upper West side.""Me too. Wher'd you go to school?""PS-121""Hey, so did I!""What year did you graduate?""1964""So did I!" "What street did you live on?""56th Avenue""Geez,me too!""What'd your old man do for a living?""He was an iron worker.""Unreal!Mine too!" Just then another guy walks in and says to the bartender, "What's goin' on?" The bartender replies, "Not much...but the O'Brien twins are drunk again!" |
The things we will do for beer
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
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Monkey
A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey nad leaves.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.
The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"
The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size
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Genie
A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his arse. The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says:
"Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out.
The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shit!"
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You know your drunk when...
· You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
· You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
· Job interfering with your drinking.
· Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
· Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
· The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
· Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
· 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
· Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
· You can focus better with one eye closed.
· The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
· Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
· Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
· Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
· At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
· Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
· You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
· The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
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Drunk
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me...."
Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad---you're drunk again!"
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